Welcome to Issue 45.4 of Digestable, your daily mouthful of real things happening in the world, minus alarmist pandemic news.
Today’s news, fermented:
I’m taking a day off work today, so in lieu of a full issue, here’s some hope for those who share my love for hating Amazon.
Also, remember a month ago, when angry white people stormed the US Capitol in an effort to topple what’s left of our democracy and murder the politicians who have been the only saving grace of the establishment?
A lot of things are horrible. Be nice to yourselves.
Here’s the tiniest possum.
Brought to you by the superb Latifah Azlan.
Sometimes, I read things to write for this column, and they genuinely leave me speechless and agog.
For example, the $24-million diamond that Lil Uzi Vert has decided to affix onto his forehead. The first question that came to my mind when I read through this article was how? How the frick did he stick a $24-million rock onto his forehead? I think it must have been medically implanted because it's too big and heavy to be a dermal anchor and the edges of that diamond look a bit too raw and bloody still for it to have been anything less invasive than surgery. The second question, naturally, is why? It's certainly a status symbol but it's not even aesthetically pleasing. If I had 24 million doll hairs to flex and my only choice of doing so was to implant jewels in my body, I would have gone for a tasteful all-over-the-face implantation of tiny little diamonds that makes me look like a disco ball on legs rather than this gaudy Vision cosplay that Lil Uzi Vert went for. This is also something the rapper has been saving up for, by the way. I mean, I hope it was worth it, I guess? It's definitely a bold statement to make and hopefully, one that doesn't lead to an attempted robbery of some sort.
I don't know who needs to hear this but please don't save up $24 million dollars and then do this to yourself. Just... buy a private jet or a villa in Italy or some shares in The Cheesecake Factory or something. Anything but this!